Leaf by Leaf
September 1, 2010
"Leaf by leaf and page by page, throw this book away. All the sadness all the rage, throw this book away." Lyrics from Smoke by Ben Folds Five
Sometimes during certain times in your life, you identify with song lyrics. Sometimes the times are happy, sometimes they are sad. I find that I identify with them after a breakup.
This breakup is no different.
My name is Emily, I'm from Southern California, I'm 28 years old, and I've just been broken up with by someone I thought was "the one". This one was different than the other jerks that I've dated in the past. He was polite, kind, considerate, and lived in Canada near Niagara Falls. For those not keen on geography, Niagara falls is right above Buffalo, New York.
We've been dating long distance since last December, but have known each other since March of 2008, roughly. We met playing Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare. At the time I was dating this dude named Asshole. Kidding, not really his name, but it's totally not important, so we shall know him as Asshole in this story.
Being a gamer chick gives you a chance to join your boyfriend in something that he enjoys, and if your good at a FPS, that makes it all the better. I love the Call of Duty games, and I love playing them online. Destroying noobs is a much enjoyed hobby. Anyway, around that time in 2008 my brother and I had opened a video game store that featured rooms with huge screens and XBOX360s where you could play on Live or network with the other consoles in the store. This is where me and Asshole played COD4, and during a session of playing we ended up being on the same team as my current ex-boyfriend.
If your a gamerchick, you get used to dudes making a big deal that your a girl and your playing video games. You get questions like "Are you really a girl?" and hear trash talk through the entire match. It's pretty lame, but during this match my current ex-boyfriend, Douche, actually was sticking up for me and making fun of the lame dudes that were giving me such a hard time. And so it began...
We talked every now and then, it was nothing serious, we added each other to Facebook. He was just a dude I knew online. Asshole broke up with me (through text message, hence the nickname Asshole), I started dating someone else. And life went on. Two relationships later, it's September 2009 and I'm waiting for my friend Frank to get out of class because I dropped him off and had to pick him up. I decide to go to Starbucks, have a chai tea frap and poke around on the internetz. I noticed that Douche was online and I messaged him. It turned into one of the best 2 hour conversations that I've ever had in my life. Where we found out we had so much in common, where I think we initially started liking each other. Cut to November, we're talking every night, and for hours at a time. One night we spoke for 7 hours straight, it was amazing. He was extremely different than anyone I'd ever been interested in before. He was even the one who decided our official date was December 9th, it would be our anniversary date.
After all that, I was in love with him, but because of past relationships it was something I couldn't bring myself to admit first. He was the one who said it first. After that, admitting it got easier and easier. We played almost everyday on XBOXLive, or sat around in Party Chat, and in April, just after his 28th birthday, I went to Canada for a visit. I stayed 3 weeks. It was amazing. I was positive at this point he was the one. All his friends loved me, his 2 year old daughter loved me, everything was absolutely golden. That visit was a deciding point for us that we would live together. Now cut to two weeks ago. . .
I have sold my car, sold most of my stuff, packed up everything into boxes, said goodbye to my friends and family, celebrated my birthday for what I thought was the last time with them, and bought my Greyhound ticket for St. Catharines, ON Canada. I was coming to live with him. Well for at least a few months. Traveling for three, almost four days on a Greyhound with 2 HUGE and HEAVY suitcases is not pleasant, nor easy. That is whole blog entry in itself.
I arrive at the border, not thinking there is going to be a problem, but alas, there is. It's not easy to cross a border if your hispanic in general, but I was born and raised in the U.S. and I have my passport card, so I'm thinking everything is going to be fine. They questioned me, which is normal, they do that at the border. But circumstances in my life that are currently unchangeable due to the economy in California, and my lack of a college degree made the border officers suspicious that I was trying to live off of Douche because he lives on Assistance. I have been without work for a year, the longest I have every been without a job since I started working at 18, and I was forced to move back in with the parents. This and the fact that Douche is on Assistance is very suspect to them. They don't believe that I have enough ties to the U.S. that I'm going to go back after the three month period, even after providing them with my return ticket (non-refundable) back home, proof that I was going to be financially supported from within the U.S. while i was in Canada, and I even had my mom wire me $500 dollars of my car sale money so that they could see that I had the funds to support myself while I was there. I tried three times to get through, but the denied me every time. It was the hugest headache, and maybe later I'll write about it in more detail, but this blog is already too long.
For these past two weeks I have been in Niagara Falls, New York trying to figure out what we were going to do about his situation. I managed to find a somewhat inexpensive place to stay, a Hostel for $24 bucks a night, and because the border just wanted to see that I had proof of residence (renting or owning a place), and proof of employment, I set out to find those things here so that I would at least be 20 minutes away from him instead of the opposite side of the continent. I believe I can do this, the job market is way better out here especially in the Summer. I have already had 4 job interviews since I've been here, and got offered 2 jobs. Cost of living is waaaaay less than in California. I can do this. I miss my family and friends, sure, but I can meet people here, and staying with him in Canada I would have been just as far away from them. All he needs to do is get his birth certificate, and his passport, and we're pretty much golden as far as seeing each other regularly.
Last week we spoke on MSN messenger and he starts telling me how because of all our struggles he is starting to think things out differently, and we were being irresponsible in our decision making because we didn't plan this out very well. And if we are making irresponsible decisions at our age, maybe we should rethink things. When guys start saying they are "thinking" of things differently, it's code for they are thinking of breaking up with you. Which was my suspicion that was proved correct three days ago. After everything I've been through and everything I have sacrificed to be with him, he broke up with me because he thinks it's the honorable thing to do.
The reasons are because we don't have our shit together, we make irresponsible decisions, we're immature, he needs to think about his daughter. Really, these are all his hang ups because to be here I had to plan ahead. My only gamble was deciding to take it to the next level which is what he wanted me to do in the first place. I sold my car, I went to the doctor to make sure I would have enough birth control to last me for my entire trip. And because of things that we couldn't have known would happen, he is breaking up with me. In my opinion he is using his daughter as the excuse to break up with me which is pretty low. What is also low is that he waits till I've spent more money than i should have to stay here, and till I'm only 20 minutes away from him. Things finally got hard and he pussied out. He threw in the towel at the first sign of difficulty. This whole relationship has been about me putting in the effort and making the sacrifices. He has not had to lift a finger. This is another lesson learned the hard way. These past few days have been tear filled, sad, angry, frustrated. And the one thing I have to look forward to now is going back home on Friday. Where things were hard for me in the first place, now they will be harder without a car. My friends are intent on cheering me up, so I can look forward to that as well.
There are going to be major changes in my life because of this. I can feel it. I have already made two appointments. One with a nursing school, and one with a Navy Recruiter. I have made plans to stay with my sister for a month or so. She's a nutritionist and all around health-nut, and I've asked her to help me lose 20-30 lbs. so that I can be ready for basic training should I decide to go through with the Navy thing. I know that if I get my shit together, and in a year he still hasn't done anything to change his circumstances, then all the reasons he gave me for the break-up are all bullshit. This only motivates me more to do what I need to do to get my shit together. The changes start as soon as I get home. Well, two days after I get home. The first two days I spend at home are going to be days where I'm completely shit faced drunk. I think I deserve it.
"Leaf by leaf and page by page, throw this book away. All the sadness all the rage, throw this book away." Lyrics from Smoke by Ben Folds Five
Sometimes during certain times in your life, you identify with song lyrics. Sometimes the times are happy, sometimes they are sad. I find that I identify with them after a breakup.
This breakup is no different.
My name is Emily, I'm from Southern California, I'm 28 years old, and I've just been broken up with by someone I thought was "the one". This one was different than the other jerks that I've dated in the past. He was polite, kind, considerate, and lived in Canada near Niagara Falls. For those not keen on geography, Niagara falls is right above Buffalo, New York.
We've been dating long distance since last December, but have known each other since March of 2008, roughly. We met playing Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare. At the time I was dating this dude named Asshole. Kidding, not really his name, but it's totally not important, so we shall know him as Asshole in this story.
Being a gamer chick gives you a chance to join your boyfriend in something that he enjoys, and if your good at a FPS, that makes it all the better. I love the Call of Duty games, and I love playing them online. Destroying noobs is a much enjoyed hobby. Anyway, around that time in 2008 my brother and I had opened a video game store that featured rooms with huge screens and XBOX360s where you could play on Live or network with the other consoles in the store. This is where me and Asshole played COD4, and during a session of playing we ended up being on the same team as my current ex-boyfriend.
If your a gamerchick, you get used to dudes making a big deal that your a girl and your playing video games. You get questions like "Are you really a girl?" and hear trash talk through the entire match. It's pretty lame, but during this match my current ex-boyfriend, Douche, actually was sticking up for me and making fun of the lame dudes that were giving me such a hard time. And so it began...
We talked every now and then, it was nothing serious, we added each other to Facebook. He was just a dude I knew online. Asshole broke up with me (through text message, hence the nickname Asshole), I started dating someone else. And life went on. Two relationships later, it's September 2009 and I'm waiting for my friend Frank to get out of class because I dropped him off and had to pick him up. I decide to go to Starbucks, have a chai tea frap and poke around on the internetz. I noticed that Douche was online and I messaged him. It turned into one of the best 2 hour conversations that I've ever had in my life. Where we found out we had so much in common, where I think we initially started liking each other. Cut to November, we're talking every night, and for hours at a time. One night we spoke for 7 hours straight, it was amazing. He was extremely different than anyone I'd ever been interested in before. He was even the one who decided our official date was December 9th, it would be our anniversary date.
After all that, I was in love with him, but because of past relationships it was something I couldn't bring myself to admit first. He was the one who said it first. After that, admitting it got easier and easier. We played almost everyday on XBOXLive, or sat around in Party Chat, and in April, just after his 28th birthday, I went to Canada for a visit. I stayed 3 weeks. It was amazing. I was positive at this point he was the one. All his friends loved me, his 2 year old daughter loved me, everything was absolutely golden. That visit was a deciding point for us that we would live together. Now cut to two weeks ago. . .
I have sold my car, sold most of my stuff, packed up everything into boxes, said goodbye to my friends and family, celebrated my birthday for what I thought was the last time with them, and bought my Greyhound ticket for St. Catharines, ON Canada. I was coming to live with him. Well for at least a few months. Traveling for three, almost four days on a Greyhound with 2 HUGE and HEAVY suitcases is not pleasant, nor easy. That is whole blog entry in itself.
I arrive at the border, not thinking there is going to be a problem, but alas, there is. It's not easy to cross a border if your hispanic in general, but I was born and raised in the U.S. and I have my passport card, so I'm thinking everything is going to be fine. They questioned me, which is normal, they do that at the border. But circumstances in my life that are currently unchangeable due to the economy in California, and my lack of a college degree made the border officers suspicious that I was trying to live off of Douche because he lives on Assistance. I have been without work for a year, the longest I have every been without a job since I started working at 18, and I was forced to move back in with the parents. This and the fact that Douche is on Assistance is very suspect to them. They don't believe that I have enough ties to the U.S. that I'm going to go back after the three month period, even after providing them with my return ticket (non-refundable) back home, proof that I was going to be financially supported from within the U.S. while i was in Canada, and I even had my mom wire me $500 dollars of my car sale money so that they could see that I had the funds to support myself while I was there. I tried three times to get through, but the denied me every time. It was the hugest headache, and maybe later I'll write about it in more detail, but this blog is already too long.
For these past two weeks I have been in Niagara Falls, New York trying to figure out what we were going to do about his situation. I managed to find a somewhat inexpensive place to stay, a Hostel for $24 bucks a night, and because the border just wanted to see that I had proof of residence (renting or owning a place), and proof of employment, I set out to find those things here so that I would at least be 20 minutes away from him instead of the opposite side of the continent. I believe I can do this, the job market is way better out here especially in the Summer. I have already had 4 job interviews since I've been here, and got offered 2 jobs. Cost of living is waaaaay less than in California. I can do this. I miss my family and friends, sure, but I can meet people here, and staying with him in Canada I would have been just as far away from them. All he needs to do is get his birth certificate, and his passport, and we're pretty much golden as far as seeing each other regularly.
Last week we spoke on MSN messenger and he starts telling me how because of all our struggles he is starting to think things out differently, and we were being irresponsible in our decision making because we didn't plan this out very well. And if we are making irresponsible decisions at our age, maybe we should rethink things. When guys start saying they are "thinking" of things differently, it's code for they are thinking of breaking up with you. Which was my suspicion that was proved correct three days ago. After everything I've been through and everything I have sacrificed to be with him, he broke up with me because he thinks it's the honorable thing to do.
The reasons are because we don't have our shit together, we make irresponsible decisions, we're immature, he needs to think about his daughter. Really, these are all his hang ups because to be here I had to plan ahead. My only gamble was deciding to take it to the next level which is what he wanted me to do in the first place. I sold my car, I went to the doctor to make sure I would have enough birth control to last me for my entire trip. And because of things that we couldn't have known would happen, he is breaking up with me. In my opinion he is using his daughter as the excuse to break up with me which is pretty low. What is also low is that he waits till I've spent more money than i should have to stay here, and till I'm only 20 minutes away from him. Things finally got hard and he pussied out. He threw in the towel at the first sign of difficulty. This whole relationship has been about me putting in the effort and making the sacrifices. He has not had to lift a finger. This is another lesson learned the hard way. These past few days have been tear filled, sad, angry, frustrated. And the one thing I have to look forward to now is going back home on Friday. Where things were hard for me in the first place, now they will be harder without a car. My friends are intent on cheering me up, so I can look forward to that as well.
There are going to be major changes in my life because of this. I can feel it. I have already made two appointments. One with a nursing school, and one with a Navy Recruiter. I have made plans to stay with my sister for a month or so. She's a nutritionist and all around health-nut, and I've asked her to help me lose 20-30 lbs. so that I can be ready for basic training should I decide to go through with the Navy thing. I know that if I get my shit together, and in a year he still hasn't done anything to change his circumstances, then all the reasons he gave me for the break-up are all bullshit. This only motivates me more to do what I need to do to get my shit together. The changes start as soon as I get home. Well, two days after I get home. The first two days I spend at home are going to be days where I'm completely shit faced drunk. I think I deserve it.
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